My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days