if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
bad news gang
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy