Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
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I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore