Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.