[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.