[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
how to have an accident 101
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”