GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would