A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
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Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I am HOWLING at this
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
no babe a living wage scares me they鈥檙e too big
Schr枚dinger鈥檚 cookie
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I鈥檝e been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
#StillHurts
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
How it started How it鈥檚 going
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I am, perchance
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*