I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries