If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.