[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Cheer up.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.