[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?