Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
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Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”