If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
You Might Also Like
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.