I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Don’t make me out nice you.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.