Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg