Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Good dog. ❤️
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.