I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I鈥檓 in my 40s I can say that I was right
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Rambo Rambow
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I鈥檒l stop now.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 馃幎you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 馃幎spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 馃幎baby right round
EARTH: 馃幎like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 馃幎right round round round
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
ALEX TREBEK: well that鈥檚 important work you鈥檙e doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo