M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.