I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.