one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Accurate
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.