[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security