We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
The first matador
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Story of my life…..
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again