Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
i spent way too long on this
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly