Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead