*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
This was my dad’s browser history.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.