[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time