She was rare, like a goth jogging
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
We have a winner.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!