Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
You had me at “define legal”.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.