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A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
No, I don’t think I will.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me