4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )