*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Krampus.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec