How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Room with a view.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance