Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*3.5 thank you very much.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom