Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
new record!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles