ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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Ah..makes sense now
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*pronounces patio like ratio
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no