You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.