Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.