I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.