So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
rapatouille
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I believe the plural is “milves.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.