The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”