(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
How is it still this week?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
just got my engagement photos
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?