If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs