My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
You Might Also Like
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
peep davidson
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Writing, She Murdered.