My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
A new level of troll.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap