Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You Might Also Like
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”