My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.