But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Thrilling chase underway
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.