I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
i dont have time for this
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers