Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
January has been Januweary
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
i’m still crying at this
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.